I’ve been told many time, “you should actually teach men”. I did write an article back in June about how to be a better lover but here is an attempt to delve a little deeper on the subject and share some wisdom that some of you might find useful.
Every Woman Is Different
I’ve been a man for some time now. I’ve had my share of relationships, lovers, mistakes and discoveries. And for nearly a decade, I’ve also had the privilege of working intimately with women as a sensual massage practitioner.
That combination of personal and professional experience has taught me something I wish I’d understood much earlier: Every woman is different.
It sounds obvious. Yet I am continually surprised by how often men approach a new relationship as though they’ve already passed the exam. They learned what worked with their previous partner, so they assume it will work again.
Maybe she loved a particular kind of touch. Maybe she liked a certain rhythm, position or intensity. Maybe she orgasmed easily and often. Maybe she loved being vocal. Maybe she wanted you to take control.
Great. That was her.
The woman you’re with now is not her.
She has a different body, different experiences, different sensitivities, different insecurities, different fantasies and different things that turn her on. Even two women who seem very similar on the surface can respond completely differently to exactly the same touch.
And here’s the thing my years of experience have really driven home: experience doesn’t give you all the answers. It teaches you to ask better questions.
So forget what you think you already know. Meet the woman in front of you as though she’s the first woman you’ve ever been with. That’s where becoming a better lover begins.
Don’t bring your previous partner’s instruction manual
You’ve learned something that works. You get good at it. Your partner loves it. So naturally, you think you’ve discovered a secret.
Then you meet someone new and pull out the same bag of tricks.
Maybe it works. Maybe it doesn’t. Maybe she tolerates it because she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. Maybe she actually dislikes it. And maybe something you never thought would interest her turns out to be exactly what she loves.
That’s not failure. That’s information.
Your previous partner wasn’t the definitive guide to women. She was the definitive guide to herself. And your new partner deserves the same attention.
Don’t assume you know what women like
There is no universal instruction manual for women.
One woman may love something another woman finds irritating. One may want a very gentle touch while another prefers something more intense. One may enjoy lots of verbal reassurance while another finds talking distracting.
And even the same woman doesn’t necessarily have the same preferences every time. Her mood, stress level, hormones, confidence, emotional connection with you, fatigue and simply what she’s in the mood for that day can all change how she experiences pleasure.
So don’t make assumptions. Ask her. More importantly, listen to the answer.
If she tells you she likes something, remember it. If she tells you she doesn’t, don’t take it as criticism. She’s giving you useful information. She’s telling you how to please her.
Think of it as being handed a map. Why would you ignore it?
Don’t assume that every woman orgasms the same way
You may have been with a woman who orgasmed very easily. Maybe she was multi-orgasmic and could reach orgasm with relatively little stimulation or attention.
Wonderful.
You may then meet someone else who takes considerably more time, patience and attention.
That doesn’t mean she’s broken. It doesn’t mean she’s not attracted to you. And it certainly doesn’t mean you’re suddenly a bad lover.
She’s simply different.
I’ve encountered women who require considerable time before they can let go enough to orgasm, while others seem to get there relatively easily. Some need consistency. Some need emotional connection. Some need more stimulation. Some need less.
If you’re sitting there thinking, Why isn’t she coming yet?, you’ve already shifted your attention away from her experience and toward your own performance.
Instead, get curious. What feels good? What makes her relax? What makes her feel safe enough to let go?
Those are much more interesting questions.
Don’t use her volume as your orgasm detector
Some women are extremely vocal during sex. They can give the impression that they’re experiencing one orgasm after another. I’ve had experiences where I thought, Wow, she must have had several orgasms, only to discover afterward that she hadn’t had any.
I’ve experienced the exact opposite: women who were remarkably quiet, only to learn afterward that they’d actually experienced an orgasm — sometimes more than one.
So don’t use volume as your report card.
Some women are loud. Some are quiet. Moaning can be an expression of pleasure, but it isn’t a reliable orgasm detector.
Again, the answer is the same: Pay attention to the woman, when in doubt just ask!
Get curious
This is probably the single best piece of advice I can give a man who wants to become a better lover: Be curious.
Don’t approach a woman with the goal of getting her to orgasm as quickly as possible. Approach her with the desire to discover what makes her feel good.
Pay attention to the little things. What happens when you slow down? What makes her relax? What does she respond to? Does she enjoy anticipation more than intensity?
The woman you’re with is the only woman you need to understand
After enough experience, you eventually realize something rather humbling.
You can know quite a lot about women and still know very little about the particular woman you’re with. Your experience should make you less presumptuous, not more.
The best lovers aren’t necessarily the men who know the most techniques. They’re the men who are willing to forget what they think they know long enough to discover the person in front of them.
So the next time you’re with someone new, don’t bring your previous partner’s instruction manual into the bedroom. Leave it at the door.
Look at her. Listen to her. Ask her. Pay attention. And discover her.
Because the greatest thing you can learn about women is that there is no such thing as women.
There is only the woman you’re with.
